I grew up in a manner that required me to mature faster. The household was always filled with chaos and anger and as a child, you just had to be quiet, be grateful no matter what, maintain composure, all while handling the messes that were created.

As for the adults? They acted out in whatever ways they wanted, and we just had to live with it, right or wrong.

I was going through some of the hardest battles that not many people my age around me could understand. I had to grow up faster than those around me. However, I never had a safe place to be vulnerable and fully share what I was going through.

The only place where my feelings were safe, were within music, my writing, creative projects or when I would get lost in a coming of age movie. And the common phrase I kept hearing in some of my favorite songs or movies was “Spill Ur Guts”. So whenever I was sad, or stressed or feeling lost… I would write the phrase on my papers, on my hands, wherever.

Flash forward to my 20’s and I’m graduated from college, and I have my big girl job, and I’m supposed to be in the stage of life where I have it all figured out… right? But no. I’m feeling the complete opposite and in fact more lost than ever.

And when you’re an adult, you’re not allowed to show that you’re down and out. You’re not allowed to be “floating” or lost. Because:

Who has the time? Be for real. Bills have to be paid.
That makes you look weak, unstable, etc. And when you mix in how being “nonchalant” is the cool way to be both in-person and on social media into the chat?…..HONEY!!!

So what happened?

Due to me trying to maintain this image of strength (to myself and others around me), I ended up people pleasing and catering to the emotions of others before my own.

I was slowly starting to find that not only was I constantly hiding my emotions, but I was hiding aspects of myself that make me who I am at my core.

Music has always found a way to speak to my soul. But what I quickly realized is that there is not alot of visual media that that speaks to the complications and unexpected growing pains of what comes with the different stages of adulthood.

And if it does exist, it’s filled with metaphors and theraputic jargon that pushes the fastest way to get over something.

But what about when there is no real answer to the problem?
What about when the therapy lingo and practices learned, don’t always fix what’s going on inside?

Once I had the courage to be vulnerable and open up (either online or in-person), I quickly found out that the people around me (or far and wide)….were going through similar emotions or events in their own life, who also felt alone.

And when we shared these stories or exchanges in someones living room, someone’s kitchen, out on a park swing, sitting by the ocean, or on a midnight car ride… There was a new closeness, a new understanding of one another, and suddenly a new light forward.

I want to bring that sense of feeling seen and heard to others. I hope that by sharing my story along with the experiences of others that you too can feel less alone, and maybe have a deeper understanding of others around you.

I like calling this a lost and found project.

And I hope this finds you well.

We’re all just figuring it out.

Spill Ur Guts